The Innermost Thoughts of Draco Malfoy
by Kindali Sidera
Summary: Draco has no one to trust with his thoughts. In his dilemma he begins a diary. HD eventually. After HBP. SPOILERS! Postponed until further notice!
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Draco has no one to trust with his thoughts. In his dilemma he begins a diary. H/D eventually. After HBP. SPOILERS!

Author: Kindali Sidera

Rating: T, for language and some not-so-innocent scenes… if you know what I mean wink wink

Chapter One: How it Begins

August 25

I can't believe I am actually doing this. Am I really so pathetic as to need this muggle piece of crap? Well, I've already spent some of MY money on it, so I might as well get started and use the thing.

I'm Draco Malfoy, Prince of Slytherin, Heir to the Malfoy riches, and apparently so pathetic that I have to resort to writing in a diary.

The diary writing thing started because of some stupid portrait of a dead guy. That guy is Albus Dumbledore, late Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and also the man I was ordered to kill. But didn't. It was my Professor of Potions and Godfather who finished the deed that was assigned by Lord Voldemort for me: Severus Snape. But I'm getting off subject.

After The Battle of Hogwarts, as they are now calling it, I went into hiding from Voldemort. Even though the old coot Dumbledore was dead, it was not by my hand, and I either would have been killed on the spot of I went back to him, or slowly tortured to his and his Death Eaters pleasure. Not liking either idea, I ran.

Just a few days ago I was captured by the bloody Order of the Phoenix and taken to their musty old headquarters. I then had Veritaserum lodged down my throat and was forced to tell the truth all about what had happened. With the whole interrogation thing, it came out that I did not want to join, or stay, with Voldemort… for obvious reasons. McGonagall then had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to join the Order of the Phoenix and help out in their fight against the Dark Lord. Of course I didn't want to join, but McGonagall had continued with some tasty tidbits all for me: I would be kept safe, and when Voldemort was defeated I could live without the constant fear of torture by sadist Death Eaters. Those were some nice pluses, but I was still going to say no. Apparently the Veritaserum was muddling with my mouth though, because what I had intended to say was a nice 'Why don't you shove your Order up your arse,' but it came out as a 'Yes, who the hell wouldn't with Voldemort on their fucking arse?' At least the 'arse' came out right…

I was then inaugurated right then and there, much to my surprise, and shipped off to Hogwarts to wait until school started. It seems that they thought Hogwarts would be a safer place for me than their stupid secret headquarters even though it had just been attacked. Go figure.

Well, in my wanderings of the school halls yesterday, I happened upon the Headmaster's, now Headmistress' I suppose, office. Deciding that since I had the password in case of any emergency meetings of the Order (which I probably won't go to anyway) I would explore the place and see what the old cat had in it.

After giving the password (remembrance) and walking up the stairs, the first thing I hear is, "Ah, Draco Malfoy!" said portrait Dumbledore. "How wonderful to see you! I'm afraid that if you're looking for the Headmistress that she isn't here at the moment. She said something about preparing the new teacher." I was shocked to say the least. I had forgotten that the Headmasters and mistresses that croaked were now hanging on portraits on the wall.

After recovering and putting back on my mask of indifference, I ignored the blabbering and did what I was there to do. I looked through all McGonagall's drawers and cabinets until that annoyingly cheerful voice grated on my nerves and I couldn't take it anymore. I turned around and looked straight into the portrait's eyes and said, "Will you shut up! I don't care how the Fat Lady's doing or how Peeves got stuck in a cupboard!"

Being Dumbledore, even if it is a dead one, his eyes twinkled. "That's okay. Why don't we talk about you then? You seem a bit frustrated."

I was frustrated, really frustrated. So after a moment of struggling not to yell everything out, I screamed about everything that had gone wrong in my life. Dumbledore, having nothing better to do than sit around and listen to me rant, listened attentively and only seemed mildly surprised when I told him about the night he died. After I was done, all he said was, "You need a diary."

I had only a vague notion of what a diary was. After all, if most rich wizards (which I am, or was) wanted to analyze what had happened to them, they would just put their thoughts in a pensieve, not write in a stupid book.

At my blank look, Dumbledore continued, "It's what muggles, and even some wizards, use to look at their thoughts. They write in a book called a diary, or journal, whichever you prefer. It's a way of keeping track of things."

I scoffed. "I am not using anything created my muggles. And I don't need to put my thoughts down anywhere."

"Then you should talk to people about your feelings," he said "It's not good to keep them bottled up."

"I don't need to talk to anyone about my 'feelings'. I'm perfectly fine," I sneered at him before sauntering out of the office, my raid of it completely forgotten.

Now, I really wasn't going to get a stupid diary, but Dumbledore's words kept coming back to me. _'It's not good to keep them bottled up.' _I really did have a need for something because I was really stressed before I went off in my rant at the dead coot, but afterwards I felt better. It's horrible to think that I actually took the advice when McGonagall came to me for what I needed from Diagon Alley.

She was getting my needed school books and parchment and all that junk, but she wanted to know if I needed or wanted anything else. When I told her to get me a diary she had looked at me a little odd, but just added it to her list. And when I got it this morning, I put as many protection spells as possible on it, and now I'm writing.

I still can't believe I'm doing this. If someone found out about this, I would be the laughing stock of the school and all of Scotland, but with all the spells and protection I put on this thing, hopefully that won't happen.

Draco Malfoy

A/N: Hopefully that was good. Remember, there will be slash in later chapters! So if you don't like slash, you don't have to continue reading. Please review! No flames please, only constructive criticism! Thank you for reading!

Kindali Sidera


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Return of the Golden Trio

August 28

I hate Potter and Mudblood and Weasel. It seems that they have come to school early this year as well, although I don't know why. In fact, I don't even know why they're here at all! Weren't they supposed to go gallivanting off into the wilderness on some mission? Here I thought I would have some nice peace and quiet without them hanging about, but I guess that isn't going to happen now. And what's irks me most is that McGonagall didn't even give me any warning that they were going to be here! At least if she had done so, I could have stayed locked inside my room until classes began…

Well, anyway, here's how it started. I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood, considering the circumstances. It wasn't that early really, about 8 o'clock. I took my time getting up and getting showered. I didn't have to be anywhere so I had figured that I'd go exploring the castle. You could search this place a thousand times over and always find something new.

After going to the kitchens for some food, I decided that I would wander the fifth floor. I didn't worry that that was the floor where the Gryffindor Tower was; after all, there weren't any stupid Gryffindors who might show how brave they were by attacking a lone Slytherin. I started on the opposite end of the castle from the Gryffindor Tower and worked my way towards it; going slowly, seeing as how I was pretty much checking every nook, cranny, and portrait, trying to detect any cloaking spells I could think of that might be concealing some interesting secret. I wasn't even done with a quarter of the floor when my stomach had started to complain about its emptiness.

It didn't look too hot outside, so I had decided on having a little solitary picnic. Some fresh air sounded nice anyway, after being cooped up inside most of the time, either because of sweltering heat or large downpours of rain. As I walked towards the nearest staircase downward, (and coincidentally, by the Gryffindor Tower entrance) I heard soft voices speaking up ahead and around the corner, that were headed for the same stairs I was. Figuring it was just some teachers, who wouldn't try to bloody kill me, I walked on unconcerned, around the corner coming face-to-face with Potter and Crew.

My eyes widened. Their eyes widened. Granger pulled out her wand. Potter and Weasel swung their fists at me, and I nearly cracked my head open on the floor. This happened all within the span of three seconds and to say the least, I was furious when I realized the situation.

I was dizzy from my head hitting the stone floor, and Potter took that chance to jump on me and pin me down. Through the fogginess of my brain, I heard Scar Head shouting something. From what I could make out, he was giving orders. "Hermione! Go find some teachers and get them here as fast as possible. Tell them we found Malfoy! Ron, body-bind him before he comes to!"

Apparently, McGonagall had forgot to tell them I would be staying in the castle as well. She is so considerate sometimes.

Well, Weasley did body-bind me, and when I was able to see properly, I glared at them, helpless to do anything else. They just glared right back, and Potter spoke triumphantly. "What do you think you're doing here Malfoy? Trying to nab me for Voldemort?"

All right, for one thing, how was I supposed to answer him? The only thing I could move were my eyes! And another, is he really so full of himself that he thinks I would come all the way to stupid Hogwarts to kidnap him? I mean sure, Voldemort wants him dead, but he had just ordered the death of Dumbledore on a platter, and he usually prepares very well before he goes after another major target. He doesn't just jump in, like a certain stupid Gryffindor would.

Well, I was pissed (and I still am, no doubt about that) about having been assaulted and paralyzed, and I poured every ounce of my hatred for him into my death glares. Pathetic, yes, but that was the best I could do at the moment. He continued to interrogate me, even though I couldn't answer until Flitwick came trotting as fast as his little legs could carry him, followed closely by Mudblood Girl, who looked very confused. Which is quite a funny look for her now that I think about it…

But I was too angry at the time to care about whether Granger looked funny. "Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, let Mr. Malfoy out of that body-bind at once! He is not a Death Eater!" commanded Professor Flitwick.

Potter thoroughly defied his squeaky-voiced orders, his voice raised to a shout. "Professor! I heard him bragging about being one on the train to school last year! He was supposed to kill Dumbledore and he nearly did! I saw it with my own eyes! He's the one who brought the Death Eaters into the castle! It's his fault Dumbledore is dead and the school nearly closed down! How can he not be one?"

"Mr Potter! You must trust me on this! Professor McGonagall will explain it to you in her office. But first you have to give him back his ability to move." Flitwick stared up at Potter sternly. Potter seemed to be having an internal battle with himself, but after a wait, he swished his wand and I felt the physical control of my body come back to me.

I sprang to my feet and glared at them. I wanted to fling curses at them so bad that their ancestors would feel it!

Granger eyed me warily. I could tell she was struggling with the desire to have me caught and thrown in jail, and the desire to listen to one of her teachers' instructions, while Weasel and Potter just gave me looks full of abhorrence. After I tool a moment to calm myself down (flinging curses in front of a teacher was stupid to attempt), I screamed at the stupid dolt. "My day was going just fine until you had to ruin it, Potter! And why are you here anyway, and not out on your stupid, righteous quest with your little comrades-at-arms! What's so important that you just had to come back!"

He looked as if he was about to strangle me, but annoying little Flitwick intervened. "Mr. Malfoy!" he warned, "Mr. Potter! We don't need anymore of this! Now, you three should come with me, and you Mr. Malfoy should go to Madame Pomfrey to see what she can do about your eye. It looks like you're going to get a black eye if you don't get it taken care of."

He turned and started walking towards the Headmistress' office, but Potter still wouldn't stand for it. "You can't just let him go by himself, sir! What if he tries something? He could pretty much get away with anything without anyone watching him! Just look what he did last year! And that was with hundreds of students about in danger, not just a few teachers!"

Flitwick just told him to be quiet and follow him, saying that all would be explained when they got to the Headmistress' office. He didn't want to trust the midget, and neither did Weasel, that was easy to tell; Granger was the one that got the two bumbling idiots to leave.

Not seeing fit to do anything else, and my head and face pounding anyway, I went to the hospital wing, where Madame Pomfrey gave me some ointment for my eye and sent me on my way. I have to say, it's this nasty smelling stuff that I hate nearly as much as the idiotic 'Golden Trio'.

So now I'm sitting back in my bed, in my room, writing this, my day ruined, and trying to ignore the smell of rotting oranges. I absolutely loathe Potter and I wish he'd rot in the darkest depths of hell.

Draco Malfoy

A/N: How was the second chapter? Hopefully it was good! There is one thing that I'm not sure about though. Is the Gryffindor Tower really on the fifth floor? I really have no idea what floor it is, so I just picked one. Five sounded nice, so there you go. Well, please read and review! Remember, no flames, just constructive criticism! And I do accept anonymous reviews! Thanks!

Kindali Sidera


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